-Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
-I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
-We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
-Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
-We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
-War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
-Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
-To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
-How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
-A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
-Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
-Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
-I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
-The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
-Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
-The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
-Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
-Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
-My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
-A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
-A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
-If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
-A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
:)
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